Anonymous said:
How many tattoos do you have? And what do they mean to you?
i’ve got too many i’ve stopped counting. some of them mean the world to me, some of them were spur of the moment memories lol regardless i love them all
for so long -
it took me to finally let you go. to fall out of love with the fake version of you in my head. finally.
im happy now. finally. it took me so long to fall back in love with myself. and my life. and with someone else.
for so long -
i wished for explanations and answers. and finally once i move on, i get them. it’s like you try to stay trapped in the back of my mind even though you never wanted me to begin with.
not anymore.
i’m free.
dreams.
you keep showing up in them. don’t know why, but i hate it. sometimes you don’t want me in my dreams and last night you did. and it doesn’t matter whether type of dream if you’re in it, i can’t stop thinking about it. can’t stop thinking about you. and i fucking hate it. i don’t want to, i don’t want to care. i just wish i could erase everything about you from my memory because i swear it would be easier and i wouldn’t doubt so many people. i wouldn’t try to figure out if im being manipulated or actually cared for. i wouldn’t run away from things that make me happy because im convinced i’ll ruin them because that’s what you did to me. im so emotionally damaged because of you and i wish i never even met you. but then there’s this one extremely tiny part of me that is so fucking happy to have enjoyed the good parts with you.
Blame.
it’s always easier to put the blame on someone else, instead of facing and accepting what you did as well. i’m now struggling. battling with my head.
i think about you often. i don’t want to. i can’t stop thinking about you and your “wife”. i can’t stop thinking about what i’ve been doing and realizing i’m not ready. i’m not ready for any of this and it sucks because i miss the person i thought you were. i still love the person i thought you were. you’re not that person and i don’t know how to stop loving that person.
i’ve been doing so many fun things with my friends and my head has been more clear. but in a way i didn’t want it to be and it’s still that i really don’t think i’ll ever be able to stop loving you. which is so annoying because you’ve cheated, you’ve lied. you’ve manipulated me and now i think i have a trauma bond with you and i can’t detach myself and disconnect and i so desperately wish i could. it makes me sick and it makes me cry that i can’t.
it makes me so mad because there is this man, INCREDIBLE man. who cares about me, who loves me, who chooses me every single day. who works hard, and just who is so fucking good. and i feel like i’m taking him from an experience. and i don’t know what to do because i also care about him so much. someone i don’t want to lose and someone i want to give my all too and i can’t because of you. and i don’t know what to do
Time.
I knew it was too good to be true. You put on such an act, made me believe you were still mine when I was never yours. You used me. And once I was no longer of service to you, you left me. For the second time. You’ve cheated, lied, manipulated and I still thought the world of you. I was blinded by how much I loved you, that I didn’t see how much you truly didn’t care about me at all. I see it now, and even though my days are still hard I can finally say that I do not want someone like you. Someone so good at fooling who they truly are, a narcissist. I’ve dealt with many in my life, and you were far the worst. I wish you well, but I do not wish that you’ll come back anymore.
Time.
the worst four letter word. yet, nothing happens without it. you say we need to part, to grow. which i do partially agree. i need to grow more as a person in general, for me. and so do you. and you say you believe that i am the one for you. that you want me in a later time. “right person wrong time” as you say. but what if, after said time, nothing comes back together? i’m afraid to keep going because i don’t want to stop remembering and feeling the love between us. if this is it, i want to hold onto it a little bit longer. i don’t know how to let you go, and i don’t know how to continue on with my days as if you weren’t the best part of me. then i wonder, what if we do come back together? what if this is needed and then it’s magical. everything we always said we would be. it really is just a waiting game. and only time will tell. :/
